My daily confessionals section are me letting you into my healing process. I created this page to give you an every day look into my stages of healing over the span of time i’ve been spending in London. Every morning I wake up, I give the morning report that was originally to serve as my visual and audible diary to track my journey as I continue to tango with my mental state, coming to terms with where I am in the healing process. I talk feelings, agenda, reflection, give tips, and ask questions that invite you to interact with me through what would sort of be like your modern day “dear abby” Segment. Journey with me and feel free to form a cyber pal interaction as I try things that use to scare, spend self-accepting quality time, Create my lifestyle lewkbook, and even perform my daily ritual WAYYY OFF BROADWAY numbers. I hope this results in the completion of healing and becoming a better version of myself, and who knows, maybe you will too.
DAY 1 — 12.19.18
HERE WE ARE. DAY1. We come with a full introduction to what this is all about. here goes nothin’ in an everything type of way.
reflection 1: The more I focus on the quantity of my internal self, the more I enjoy the quality of things around me.. the less I yearn for external quantities. The less I pressure demand externals qualities.
tip 1: Learn how to increase the capacity to experience yourself. You will find that it will increase your capacity to experience this world, and there is so much to experience :).
DAY 3 — 12.21.18
Hey guys. Still having trouble with getting up in a timely manner, but hey, it’s only day 3….
reflection 3: When you complicate the idea of yourself, you complicate the idea of everything around you. Should I be looking for a more simplified version of myself??
2nd reflection : Attention to detail - Am I interacting with people in creative ways to help me heal? Or am I finding creative ways to deflect from my own healing period?
tip 3: Don’t make healing a fashion police ticket waiting to be given out.. If you are gonna be “going through it” or “losing your mind”, at least put on a heel, a lip, a pump, and balenciaga.
DAY 5 — 12.24.18
Day 5 people. Its hype. Looking forward to my trip to Manchester, throwing shade to the Laundry cleaners who charged me an arm and a leg, so that I could wear something clean on my arm and my leg… Do I lose my cool? not in the slightest, but I may or may have lost a couple of hair follicles by keeping my “indoor caucasian” voice in tact.
reflection 5: Should I define my relationships by time, or by soul connection? Which one is more of a risk of justification when it comes down to the moment of truth to see if you can lean on them?
tip 5: Look alive. I learned from a very wise human that there’s always a batch of new kittens ready to lick that milk, and its not a game. You have to go for what you want.
DAY 7 — 12.25.18
Holiday confession: My holiday was not at all what I thought it would be, but I knew that somehow I would learn a very valuable lesson. What I learned is, I do not like to be deprived of options, kept in captivity, or wasting a good outfit confined in the same setting longer the 12 hours. this is the day where I was finally able to see at least one error from being placed in a religious cult. It trapped me.
reflection 7: How do I define holidays? What does that even mean for me anymore? Is it defined by the people I share it with, or specific things around the atmosphere that capture the moment necessary to give it the idol stamp?
tip 7: Never dance with red wine in your hand…..could get a little messy, even if you thought your 8 count was little.
DAY 9 — 12.27.18
Day 9. Back solo. back in business. I may or may not have sent a woman from Birmingham to the hospital, but you’ll need to press play to find out…….
reflection 9: Does love always win?? What constitutes your right in a discomforting situation to insert your ego or stand your ground? if we’re all aiming to spread love and give love, and someone catches you off guard with the opposite, what is your standard for proceeding? what is your approach? what are your first thoughts —> pettiness or compassion?
tip 9: Redefine winning — Perhaps it’s not the last word, but the kindest one. Today, be brave enough to sincerely apologize when you are not in the wrong…just maybe you were just in the wrong place. You know, in the same ways that their suffering is not yours, it’s also every bit of yours, so how would you want someone to proceed with you… with caution, with criticism, or with care?
DAY 11 — 12.29.18
Day 11. We’re in them money making business… Actually were in the 4 days in a row freezer food pizza eating business, but hey, who’s really watching? Still trying to get my life force together, and trying be less malleable about the subject of love. will she succeed? watch and be amused at the amount of pauses I take to gather my thoughts.…….
reflection 11: The Culty trigger I just can’t seem to shake —-> Profanity.
Freedom of Speech - Does it invoke energy with it?? I know words have power but if I curse and it’s all fun and games, then will the energy I attract be fun too? or does it still ring true in the universe’s ear as sending negative energy for that reciprocated response? Will it just be neutral? Am I reading into it too much? Class is a 24 hr job, and i’m feeling underpaid and overworked…..
tip 11: If you are having trouble in the love department, but it’s been less than 72 hours, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT GET A TINDER PROFILE… and then chicken out when you go out with someone by saying you just want to find cool people to drink meaningless midday latte’s and go to concerts with…… :/
DAY 13 — 12.31.18
Day 13. Started from the bottom now we here.. I still think Drake has true poetry that speaks to all of the immature parts of my emotionally defiant issues with life. Needed my iTunes Diva’s playlist to lift me out of the Funk. Definitely a suspenseful day. We started way low, and we conquered it and squashed like an unnecessary and slow house fly. The buzzing was painful, but it just goes to show myself, we are getting older. we are learning faster. and if I technically still have this issue tomorrow, at least i’ll be on the Front Page Cover with a full spread article for you to read all about it.
reflection 13: Do I believe in people’s words and allow my imagination to fill in the blanks? Or do I over analyze their actions, and develop them based on my perspective? — both have pitfalls
tip 13: Take a break from reflecting every once in awhile, and LIVE. We can’t be responsible ALLL the time…… :)
DAY 15— 1.2.19
Day 15. Tubing it. My new comfort food is fish n chips… .hahaha just kidding. but as you can see. I like it here. Trying to pull apart more culty triggers. In great spirits —- take a look.
reflection 15 : What constitutes your right to give up or walk away from something?? Is the refusal to give up a struggle a subtle triumph, or a twisted version of the fear for defeat??
tip 15: Take a second in one of your moments and discover it with all your senses —- what do you see in that moment, what are you hearing ?what did you just finished eating, what are the smells/aromas around you.. what is the texture that you can feel on. This is my method to put my memory in a capsule and I find it absolutely delicious when I go back to those moments.
DAY 17— 1.4.19
Day 17. Back attaxxxxx! AHHH. had to take a full resting day. the walls became my friend, and deliveroo became my tummy savior. It’s hard dealing with pain, but I am still super thankful that my adrenaline has the heart of the Incredible Hulk.
reflection 17: How much attention do I give my health?? What is the best choice / smart choice… do I go with seizing the moment and using what I have now Living my best life, or do I preserve and conserve the energy in hopes to later have the opportunity…..???
tip 17: Right now, I say take care when your body responds. do what you need.
DAY 19— 1.6.19
Day 19. Not everyday can we be still. Not everyday can we start in a happy mode, but we can try our best to recognize it and love ourselves through.
reflection 19: What is my mood bounce back record. When I get off of my happy wave, how long does it take me to get back in the groove???
tip 19: Don’t walk to international security on video log.
DAY 2 — 12.20.18
2nd day in my place. an hour late snooze on my alarm call. The day anticipates a fun podcast interview with my friend, and features a brilliant be on brilliant binging marathon of my favorite shows, unfinished projects, and may even go out and see a movie….. :)
reflection 2: How long does it take to heal, and what does healed actually look like when you most likely were a soul that had sufferings in lives prior to this current human suit? Does it perhaps mean being able to survive in another suit is a sign of healing., or will I always be recovering of PTSD from the last blow.
tip 2: There are waves of all kinds throughout the day, in all shapes and all forms. Find your swell. Ride for as long as you can.
DAY 4 — 12.22.18
ok. So real confession. I accidentally deleted my day 4 video because I had ran outta space on my phone, trying to record a little morning freestyle… something had to be done… we don’t have the video but boy do we have a tip + reflection…. HA.
reflection 4: If we’re all operating consciously, subconsciously, or obliviously to the law of attraction, are any of us really strangers??
tip 4: Just so you know, people don’t talk to each other in London tubes…There is no talking in the tube. Unless it’s a weekend and your drunk. Or if you’re a lost, black, young, female, who wears conversation starter hats [named ANDONE —pronounce Antwon] on your head.
today, I encourage you to interact with someone in a usually quiet setting : IE the library, the elevator, the bus, the train… i’m sure you can think of plenty of options. Ask them, what they are currently reflecting on? —— best format is to first say “I’m trying this thing to see how instantaneously the law of attraction works, can I ask you something? — then proceed with le question” … I dare you, it might be fun… actually it might be the answer you are looking for or even an alignment of two parties sharing in an equal suffering. :)
DAY 6 — 12.24.18
We are running terribly late for an important date, but we still had time to say a quick hello and archive it in the confessional log.
reflection 6: What does the content I intake say about me? Am I attracted to listening to music that reflects my current situation now, or the future I constantly work at designing for myself?
tip 6: Apply it as a life lesson — If someone’s truck is trying to block the street you’re driving on, start driving on the curb then. At least that’s what my uber driver did, and I got where I needed to be… and in one piece.
DAY 8 — 12.26.18
Day 8, finally can breathe in the physical way, free from captivity, but am I still mentally or emotionally feeling trapped?
reflection 8: Self - sergeant — making sure I understand when it’s time to pick a battle and fight, and when it’s time to allow the other party to just battle themselves.
tip 8: Holiday or nah, get your butt in the shower and cleanse.
You are not on some G-SHHHH. You are not a hippie. You are not going green. You are just smelly and Lazy AF [As Foam, because i’m still dealing with slight cult triggers that prevent me from using profanity when its most necessary].
DAY 10 — 12.28.18
The plot thickens. Day 10. we’re getting somewhere now, and nowhere still. Yes, I am crying. No, I do not need any extra attention. Yes, I still love myself. No, I do not feel like hiding my real emotions anymore. This is where i’m at. This is what i’ve got. Let’s be real.
reflection 10: The more I focus on the quantity of my internal self, the more I enjoy the quality of things around me.. the less I yearn for external quantities. The less I pressure demand externals qualities.
tip 10: Learn how to increase the capacity to experience yourself. You will find that it will increase your capacity to experience this world, and there is so much to experience :).
DAY 12 — 12.30.18
Day 12. PEOPLE Masquerade like they all that and a bag gluten free veggie chips from Whole Foods, but they are totally just a quickie mart pork grinds….. i’m over that, but i’m not over my confessional moments. Am I doing better today? who knows, but I know one things for sure, i’m not into “Tinder” love and care to solve my problems.
reflection 12: NO, the devil is not in the details, but the unicorn however ——
How do I want my future? Will being more intricate on future details put my expectancy level so high to the point that if I come up a little short, I will suffer from a great let down?? or will it set my intentions into a positive momentum force, where if I even score a 10% on my rector scale I will still be satisfied with the work ethic I put into it?
tip 12: Don’t put so much emphasis in your work song, that you forget the playful jam.
Designate a schedule in the new year that can rock with your workaholic Jekyll and your “fun getting into trouble” Hyde.
For all my artists,
I set up my schedule based on accomplishing these priorities everyday:
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
Time for myself
Time for my health
Time for my love
Time for my art
Time for my mind
DAY 14 — 1.1.19
HAPPY NEW YEAR. Happy where the same outfit as New Years eve, because you have finally adjusted to Euro lifestyle life hacks …Happy also sporting last nights face beat, twice attempted removals… We are off to a good start, but don’t take this blurb word for it… see for yourself.
reflection 14: WHY CAN’T OUR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS BE TREATED LIKE OUR FRIENDSHIPS IN REGARDS TO DISTANCE…. ??? When I’m far from my friends, I don’t keep tabs and when we come together again after a long time of being away from each other we pick up right where we left off, and if anything our relationship grows. why is it that we feel that a relationship means, hip attachment??
tip 14 : Figure out what you want, and keep your eye on it like the pendulum it is.
DAY 16— 1.3.19
Day 16. Hey. Getting a little more comfy with how you may be viewing me, so we decided to multi-task… shower and show and tell… on CP time as usual. Things to do, people to see.
reflection 16: The way you do one thing, is the way you do everything.. in regards to approach.. focusing my attention on my day to day rituals to see if it holds true to the way I may be approaching other things in life. what’s your thought?
tip 16: Just so you know, time management is a ting here.. at 11pm, best be on your way home on the weekday unless you’d like to rub shoulders with the person’s house your at until 5am…..on the weekends they stop at 2am // well some. its not much better.. so get it together.
DAY 18— 1.5.19
Day 18. But we were confused for a minute. there has been such a blur lately because I have had to force myself to cling to my bed. Not super hard for the most part so don’t cry for me Argentina, but In my case, I wanna dance all the time and for that I need the option to be able to do so…
reflection 18: Who cares for me in a world where 75% focus is usually on our individual planets. is it wrong to ask more of others? are some experiences meant to be done on your own, and others meant to collaborate with others for your personal solution ??
tip 18: Try and write down a self-prescription ritual of healing. this is further explained in my confessional!
DAY 20— 1.7.19
Day 20. We are slightly pinching pennies, but I love a good financial challenge. Chase bank is like an overprotective bank. HA. We shall figure it out though. we always do!
reflection 20: How do I Gage what is substance abuse when it pertains to our new found sober outlook, and you are pulling apart triggers……????
tip 20: Take this week to gather your senses sober for anything that you overshare in your day. WHETHER IT IS ALCOHOL, MUSIC, FOOD, RELATIONSHIP —- See if you can take a week without your natural desire to gage where your attention and loyalties lie. do your morals stay the same? do they stay sane??